I’m a loner, I’m not lonely.
I can sit at the big table, be around people, have pretty good bullshit and hang out but I really have pretty limited interest in small talk and doing things I don't want to do. I start thinking about the things I'd rather be doing like exercising, traveling, be back in my room writing, reading, watching...
Is this because I've "been there done that"? Is this what maturity, aging, “changing” really is? Am I the issue? Selfish? Should I just chill out and go along for the ride? Does this make me lame or stronger than I’ve ever been?
Can I separate from not giving a fuck to giving way too many fucks about things?
Constant ebb and flow of emotions, insecurities, anxieties, people, places, things...
I like drinking but I cant stand being drunk and hungover....
I Iike going out a good party and pretty women, but I cant stand being tired, ears buzzing and seeking validation.
Can you tell I just got back from Vegas?
There’s something about the dichotomy of things that’s make you feel good and things that don't. The weird feeling of wrongdoing even if there’s no wrong doing - just being in a place or around certain things feel's like a relapse...Why am I here? What is this good for? - Is it a setback?...Why?
Did I make the correct choice? To work with that person, make that statement, go to that place, take that action? And if not, what did I learn? These choices are everywhere.
In fact, Vegas is a perfect example. You can go hike red rocks or party poolside...You can hit the casino or go to a show. You can get a "massage" or get a massage...Your call.
It's paralysis by analysis...You can overthink every thing...Stew over what's gone wrong, that issue, decision, choice, conflict, or problem instead of using each experience and opportunity to learn, advance and moving forward.
What I can surmise is to try and find things you like and...
Be with them
Learn from them
Donate to them
Earn from them
And if something, someplace or someone's not working for you then make a change. By the way, I've been on the receiving end of this too (I'm not for everybody, nor mistake or miscommunication free myself...)
This is not profound. This is not long. This is not news. And when you think you've figured it out, are having a great day just remember, that too will change. There's always more coming.